My Heart & Soul~

Instead of I'm in love....
I know u love me...
But then I don't know how much u can pay it out...
maybe u will pay it all out...
but I'm asking myself...
how much I can sacrifice for u?
how much love I can really pay it out for u??
is there any incase for me or u?

I know that I'm the one who not supposed to simply think about...
but I can't make it...
u is so honest to me..
u told me everything about u, no matter it is good or bad...
I'll try to accpet it no matter what...
the attitude that u wana to be honest with me instead u know that maybe I'll mad at it.
but till last...
I'll still forgive...
coz I know that u need alot of courage to tell me the truth...
but then u can make it and I really appreaciate it alot...

I'm so touch when u told me that u don't want to have a lie between us...
ya..
i trust u won't lie to me
that is why I've put all my trust into u
and u promise that u won't let me down
you'll give all u have
U know how i feel when u tell me that
I'm so touch...I wana to cry
coz I know that u willing pay it out for me

for now...
I've try so long to have a wonderfull moment with u...
but...seems like there still a gap between u and me...
maybe is my problem....
but then when I found out I still don't know how to face it...
maybe there is no problem but I've make that problem out...
I really no idea what's happening to me....

before and after....
it really shows the differeces...
is the same things I've being thinking about is from before till after....
I have no idea that whether it is a problem between us or not...
but then...I mind it...and I've think alot on that...
yet, there came out another problem
jelousy...
its make me feel worst
even I know it's nothing and just friends only
but there still a jelous felling on me....

these few days I really no idea what is on my mind
just a non stop thinking for nonsense
I'm so so so sorry...
I really don't know what had happen to me
I just hope everything will be fine
and I just can keep asking myself nt to think too much....

everything will be fine right?
just it takes time isn't it?
I've give you a half me,
would you mad at me not to give the other half of my heart to you?
I'm so scare coz you are my 1st love
I scared to be hurt,being used...
and all the things was happened so fast...too fast
but then I can tell u that I din regret in anything that I've paid out.
I didn't regret in anything....
forgive me for being so selfish my dear
but I'll try my best to give a whole me to u
I promise you~
~I LOVE YOU~

~JeNnY Ai~

Betray....

Have u ever have a feeling that u put all ur hearts to treat ur fren...
U have trust ur fren...and willing to do anything for it...
And at last..u just let that so called "fren" betray u..

Whenever as I'm treating a fren...
I will truly treat them as my good fren and with fully heart...
Whoever want to believe it or nt...is up to u all..
But 1 things that I really can't accept it is...
As fren....they didn't trust me at all...

1st...if u really choose dont want to believe me thn it is ur problem...
if u ardy choose nt to believe thn dont ask me anything about it...
instead there will be an argue of it...
who really can accept that u hav told the truth and ur fren just shoot u like u is the one who always lying behind thm...

2nd if u choose to trust the gossip and the other so called "fren" tell u about me..
thn u just trust it and dont ask me....
instead u ardy believeing what u wana to beleive....
in fact that....as fren to fren...
u pick to trust the stupidness of the gossip and dont trust about the truth...

how sucks is life whn there is rumours around u....
best fren spreading rumours about u...??
hw sucks is it??

My fren....
if u really betray me...
u just lost a good fren....
and, u will truly feel what u hav done to me 1 day...
same like others..
what u have done, u will face it 1 day....
just the time sequence...

I'm so hurt and tired that fren have betray and dont trust me...
how u think I'm??
is not important for me...
hw u treat me??
u will hav the same treat too....

I just feeling tired of hating...
bt not protecting myself...
u will never want to see an evil me....
never....

~Jenny Ai~

The Truth Soul~

I don’t know how I felt now…

I’m sick, tired, exhausted, sad, hurt….

I’ve been cry for sometimes…

Coz I’ve trust everyone beside me,

But things not seems like everyone trusted you…..

Sometimes the fact will let the guess to cover it,

No one will see the fact and know about it….

People just try to guess depend on what they can think…

Lot of feeling come at once…

Can I hold it??

I’ve asked myself….

Am I tough enough to face it at the same time???

First of all I wanna to thanks to my friends….who really stand by me when I’m sad.

Thanks to you my dear Ah Fu~XD

I really touch and happy that you have been always standing with me no matter what…

All these days long, you have support me….convince me that don’t be sad….

And 1 more things, no matter what u teach me a lot of things….

I really don’t know how to say….but for me the things that you have done to me for helping me for these all way long,

It really works….

Thanks for u thousand times also no use but I also wana to say THANKS~^^

Secondly, for my dear lovely roommate Chia Wei~

I really don’t know how to say it…

But same as Ah Fu,

You have really helped me a lot…

Always listen whenever I’m sad…

How lovely you willing to spend your time to listen what I’m mourning about…

Lolx~maybe it will be boring for you coz seems like I mourn at you almost everyday..

I’m sorry about that but after talking to you it seems better for me….

Really thanks for you….

I really touch to have your friend like you….

You care about me, taking care of me….

I’ve meet a lot of friend from you….I don’t know how to say,

I really glad that you willing to share with me….

At here I wanna to say thanks and thanks again….^^

(ps: if got chance I really like to introduce my friends to you instead they din pro as ur fren or handsome….XD)

Thirdly, my lovely dear or sister also can~~XD(ps: don’t said that I’m less~)

I know these days happens a lot of things that have hurt a lot of us….

But you still stand beside me…

You know what I’m thinking,

I don’t know why, is it we both have been going through same situation at high school.

But anyway, thanks for everything…..

I know I know you sure will eat me this mushroom…

But wait, did you really will eat me this pretty mushroom???(ps: think my little cute face~)

Thanks for choosing trusting me but not pushing me….^^

Sharing the deeply secret and private things….

Thanks for willing to lend me your ear for mourn too~~XD

At last, thanks to all my BFF….

As I said you all really help me walk along this hard path…

Thanks for trusting me, helping me, whatever you all have done,

I really appreciate it a lot^^

I LOVE YOU GUYS~~

No matter what, my feeling still got affect by some stupid things….

But, I really glad and will be fine when u all stand by my side…

Cheer me up….

I swear to you all and to me….

The new me won’t let stupid things hang my feelings away~

Once again~

If I really can I would like to kiss you all~~

Hahaha~~~

Love ya guys~~~^____^

~THE TRUTH~

~Jenny Ai~

Now New

I’ve been through so many things….

So many problems that have been happen around me…

But just as usual…

I really tired to face all those problem…

I know that maybe I’m not the one who really can solve all those problems..

But I really wanna to help to solve it…

Sometimes I asking myself that why should I care what really happen?

But I sometimes I really want to fixed the problems…

Sometimes, somethings, you really can’t have a leg inside it…

Orelse there will have bad things happen….

Or maybe the you might be suffer…

Friends are being honest together and always….

But sometimes they also their private things….

Sometimes not all things that one person need to inform or tell their friends or even best friends….

Yes, let’s say being honest is a good things….

But the honest is depending on the situation….

Now let’s talk about believing…

As a friends there is a trustworthiness’ between it….

I mean not even friends, best friends also will be like that isn’t it??

If u really not trust on your friends,

Then is there still a reason to be a friend??

Just think about it…

If there is no trust between u and everyone…

What will happen in this world??

I’ve been sick for it….

Not such a same case happened to me and I’ll be afraid about it…..

I’ve been walking through it before,

And I really FEEL what it means…

Honestly, it’s really SUCKSS…

So is it I still need to let those things happen??

I don’t want coz it might be KILL one person life….

Instead I didn’t wrong why still I need to bow and felt sorry about it??

Sometimes is just not letting things go worse….

But for now??

Its just seems like I’m acting old me??

I just wanna to find my way back home….

To be MYSELF…

A new me….

This is University life,

There is no one will like their life being sucksss,

And me too,

Instead to let a small things to ruin my life???

If the same things happen to me….

As a secondary case replay it….

Then I just can say,

I’m sad to see a childish act,

And I’m sad to being a group with it….

Angry, Scolding, Teasing….

Is it all I really want??

I know I hate it….

That’s is why I don’t want have any comment on it….

And I will not and I should not explain anything….

Instead people wanna to believe then u believe it…

But if people try to ignore it….

Then I won’t try to explain all…

Instead I’m right…

I WON’T….

~THIS NOW~

~Jenny Ai~

Tired Life

I’m very very tired these days….
U know why???
Coz I’ve been 1 week long sleep at 4 in the morning….
Can u imagine how tired and headache am I???
Instead of assignment, I’m kind of hard to fall asleep…
I don’t know why but it seems like these days I really not happy and I’m in the condition of pressure and I have a bad temper….
But for the good things is that I at least can restrain the angry things and din let my bad temper spread it away….

I just want to say out my felling….
I felt like I’ve been cheating by you……
I don’t know why things will happen till like that…..
But at least can u be honest to yourself and be honest to me???
I hate my friend lying to me
That s my principal….no lying except that is a secrete…..
Instead being friend always lies and acts to each other….
You won’t be tired??
I WILL BE!!!!

I’m so disappointed to you now….
Why the same things will happen again and again???
Didn’t you just figure what is the problem with yourself??
Your attitude…..
I’m disappointed for your acting….
Your acting and changing….

I’m a little shock when I heard the news like that….
And I’m hurt too….
Everything makes me hurt deep inside my heart and haters to you
I don’t want the best condition will change to the bad…
I would like to fix everything but it seems like not my fault this time….
It’s yours…..

May I know why you want to act like that??!!!
Trying to have attention???
Or trying to own something and someone from your own friends???
Is it PRETENDING is more important that FRIENDSHIP???
Is it STRANGER is more worth than the TRUE FRIENDSHIP???
Or it’s just your act and you don’t even know about it???
You is the one who CONFUSING ME!!!!

I really tired for being go through the life like that anymore….
Really…..
Instead why I give you so many chances and it seems like…
Nothing change….
Then I shall not waste my time and vitality on you…..
I really try my best to let all the things looks good….
But….
Again and again…..
You hurt me DEEPLY and SILENTLY…..

And now,
It seems like a renounce choice left for me…
I’m HURT….I’m TIRED…..
I’m HATING….I’m CRYING…..
I’m DISAPPOINTED….
Those feeling shows that I care….
I care you as my friend….
But now,
As a friend, u just let my heart bleeding
AGAIN and AGAIN……
Is there still a gap for your breath???

~TIRED SOUL~
~JENNY~

Pretending...ASSHOLE!!!

Pretending and pretending again.....

is that what you so called "innocent" just as your act?

owhh.....im sorry.....i really dont know....how im supposed to know...

WHATEVER ASSHOLE!!!!

is that just your best to pretending all and iresponsible and throw the rubbish to other people....

letting people fixed your so called innocent rubbish!!!!

I hate you for shirking the responsibility to other people...

watch your mouth and watch for your act.....

saying people and laughing people at your friends back...

is your own friend!!!

or maybe in your heart the friend is just a doll for u to make use of...

or I'm not that best for you so called a friend???!!!

let's just go back to the previous time.....

you have been acting how lovely and such wonderfull you are...

and now...you just more selfish and you not even apprehensive how people feels.....

I've no seniority to talk about how good I'm..

but at least now I really know how bad you are and how fake it is

people change....the time change..

i know this....

but how come your attitude behind the mask is so so so sucksss

please dont pretend infront of me...

i will hate you,

I've never be that angry before...

and I dont know why..

coz I've trying my best to be your best friend

and I really wholeheartdeness to treat this friendship....

maybe I really cannot bear how suckss and fake you are...

really PRETENDING is it the best you can do??

maybe I need to "LEARN" something from you...

ASSHOLE, JERK....

or maybe not.....coz you are so damn disgusting to pretending...

no matter what have you been done to me....

I try my best to forgive and forget about it....

and now....I don't think that you done correct this time...

and maybe my restrain have no space for you....

I just got something to tell you....

for a such long time.....

I really like and want you to be my best friend....

coz I think that you are really good person....

you got help me before and many times.

but for a so long time have past,

I really realize that you have took away alot of my things....

thanks God that you've teach me how to be selfish....

and now.....

I really cannot see how you just pretending and be innocent....

and I can't even forget that how you take away my things my happines...

maybe you din recognise it....

but it's really mean alot to me...

I've try my best to forget all that things coz we are best friend (as I thought)

but now....I think that.....

the things that I owed you(helping), I've return it all back to you...

from now on we din owe each other anything....

and you, dont need to pretend infront of me anymore...

coz it's so disgusting....

Welcome to my world, my game. (NOT YOURS ANYMORE)

The RULE is......

My BFF will be the one who really treat me as best friend,

care about me(ps: instead of caring but not pretending)

no matter how far she or he is but not a recycle bin.....

thanks to remind me this "FRIENDSS"

~HATING~

~Jenny Ai~

Just a SIMPLE

Is it simple enough for me?

what is mean by simple?

I just wanna be a simple girl and have my simple life....

Is it really what I want...?

Everytime people will say their life is too bored and simple....

they want to be more excitement...

but when it change to excitement...people will say they just wanna be simple...

is it very confuse?

Ya that's right, it seems like confuse....

everyone need simple...

but just see how you take it.

I wanna be simple for....

don't care how people viewing you..

how mnay marks people will give you...

just gonna to be myself...

how you can care so many people feeling at once??

I can't....

so I'm trying to be as simple as I can....

if you throw away all the viewing points and marking scheme.

you'll feel that your life will be more happy and less worried.

Yea~that's make my life better...

now I'm trying my best to do everything...

althought the result won't be the one that i wish for,

but I'm still trying...

trying to don't to put all my attention to the result but for the process.

What I've put in,

although not all people will know,

although not even all my friend know,

but it is truly from my heart,

I've try my best....??

No matter what..

I just trying to make all the thing to be as simple as I could...

maybe, who know,

maybe one day i will success?

I'm not selfish,

I care about people,

just sometimes kindess will turn to bad treat from other people......

who you think you are?

I'm Jenny Ai,

and I trust that I can be honest. I can be good for anyting, anyone....

but please...please kindly appreciate it...

and I would like to say thanks to you.

Sometimes friend will change me,

they might turn me to hating them,

but how? you not supposed to like them?

NO....!!

I like them, I care alot,

maybe there is too lot for that,

and it turns to they overuse and overtake it....

my life suckss before,

and I don't want it happen again in my life.

Never ever let your friend use your good habit,

there will turn to u get nothing at last,

and, there is no selfish for that,

coz they also selfish for you.

I'm not telling you to revenge,

but, just don't too much and too little......

Thats all.

Simple and work for it~

~JENNY AI~

Gone...

12.26p.m. 6 March 2009

She, is a kind and loving women that all of us will remember her well.
She, 95 years old, living for a long time and looks old.
She, have been take a good care of many people and family members when she still young.
She, make me feel love dearly to her when I saw her.
She, my dearly, I’ll miss you whenever you have been……
I’m sorry can’t make anything better.

Sorry for having pity felling on you.
Every time I’m thinking of you, I’ll felt scared.
Scared, for seeing you suffer like that.
I’m sorry……
The tears drop in my heart.

Everyone loves you.
Care about you.
Thinking of you.
And, I’ll miss you and keep in my memory and my heart.

Times goes by……
Every breath you take heavily.
“I’m tired, I want to rest……”
Nothing change.
It’s seems as usual and all past like so well.

As time goes by,
The last word, the last scene, the last……
All seems like a last for you.
No movement.
No sound.
No breath.
Just, empty……

My dearly, we love you.
There is a better place for you.
No suffering.
I’m sorry……
The tears drop silencely…
The hardest thing to do is saying bye bye.

May you rest peacefully……
I love you……

~Rest Peacefully~
~Jenny~

Desperate

2 March 2009 10.49pm

The sky fill with the star and it had lit it up with the moon. Always, it seems like they are friends forever and cannot be apart for each other. Even though the cloud will take the brightness of the star but it won’t take away the space for star which will always stay with the moon. Both of them have been a décor for the beautiful sky. Always……
(I wish upon it. Just wanna get such beautiful life……)

Did I really lie to myself? I really tired. What the effort that I’ve really put it up. But at last, at last, what I’ve get? Is this so called a reward for me? For the people who had been put all their effort to do something, to accomplish something?

I really don’t know why. It seems like unfair for me. Really, I don’t want have such feeling but it just can’t get out of my head. Is it the effort that I’ve pay out is not as much as theirs? But, I thought that I can possess what I’ve been really pay it off and can get more than that.

I’m sad and hesitate for it. I’ve try my best for everything, at least I really try for it. The truth is, the facts have torn me apart from it. It just seems like a past time living in my life. And now I wonder it’s been really hard and not worth. Future is better right?

I don’t want walk away from it or maybe I can’t. It sounds easy to convince someone walks out from the past but when u figures it out, it’s really been hard time. Why I’m hold on the past tense? The truth is I still scared, really scared.

Lie. So just lie to me its gona be alright and no worried for it. There always regret smile in my eyes, always. Maybe sometimes the fact show the crack in my life and it won’t be perfect anymore. Every crack means a lot for me. Just lie, hiding all the secret behind it.

I’ve been rather silence and stay at the night. I want to make it through the night. Just tell myself I will, always a lie behind it. The night, I don’t want to wake. There always a self-deception. The truth will show everything, and change everything. The light will guide us to do so….

Don’t want to believe this fact. Just let the night take it over and keep pretending it. Let the camera take the next shot and just, keep acting on the stage. Just let me stay in the dark one more night…..one…more……

~Desperate Soul~
Jenny

Trying to be the best~

Before the Chinese New Year till after my final finish...
I've really learn alot of thing,
I get alot of value through these day...
like appreciate what ur family have support u all the things they give ..
everyday appreciate a happy life and be happier either..
workhard for ur life and never give up...
and loving for everyone....
laugh out loud always no matter u are really sad......

I take alot of time to learn from my friends...my family and my heart..
sometimes people wont get the thing they hope for...
me either also like that...
i will sad..get mad and sometimes maybe will have a bad thinking...
untill now, i just know that sometimes the thing that are really precious maybe fated not belong to u or u woll lost it....
I've give up the love for my family member
I'm so sorry~I really can't take it already.....
too tired for being to become a pretender...
too tired to take care of everything....

Don't u ever think how much ur parent giving up their time or even their energy or life trying to protect their children away from any bad thing....
DON'T U EVER THINK IT!!!
u really making me mad and mad and MAD!!!
I really won't hate people till like that
u really make me an examption.....how "wonderfull" u are??!!!
just 1 word for me to say about u USELESS!!!

not im cruel is u make me cruel....about U!!
everything u do...everything u talk about it...ur tones evern ur face...
when I see it, I really want to slap on it and say get out of it....
WE are not OWNED U k~
if u so not satisfied and not happy to being apart of it....U MAY LEAVE ANY TIME!!!
with your so called "FRIENDS"

I'm in silent not becaurse of I'm scared...it's just I dont like to be aprt of it and what a so called "useless" me is avoiding everthing.....
but not for now....
u dare me....i dare u back...did u get it!!
don't ever ever talk about like u is the "world genius" and act like u is the "strongest"...
actually u is just an IDIOT that i ever meet before...

I always asking myself is that I realy playing my role well?
the answer is>> YES I'M
so u really peacing me off this time, and every time...

well~I've learn alot of thing from u by the way....
I've learn how to be honest, cheerful, and be good too..
u knw y??
coz u just act as a "bad role model" to let me learn
and yet from that u still can't get any idea to change ur bad attitudes....

I'm so so so freaking tired all about what you've done...
tired~

but as I said...I'm still me and I've try to be the best....
my time sure will come one day...
don't give up easily and fight for yourself~
this is what i get from my life...
and always laugh it out no matter what...
and it will make you more precious coz every laugh u make will bring more laughther~
trust yourself~I'm not going to make it for U...for Now coz u change alot....
I'm trying and how about u?

~TIRED & COPING~
~JeNnY FoReVeR~

What Had Happen To ME??!!!

omg~
it's near final exam 2 weeks from now...
what am I actually trying to tell is....I'm doing nothing now.....
damn~every of my friends are getting working hard study...doing past year...
me??...what about me??
everyday sit infront of the laptop and watch movie...drama...
haizz~~
im totally going to die in final...

Kind of no mood to study and no mood to think for everything..
what had actually happend to me??!!
want to get good result and jelous about others?
god know what am I thinking about??
is it that is so call "lazy"??

I'm trying my best to do everything...
but now.....seem like I really want to give up...
nonono~~i don't want...I DON'T WANT!!!
what I want now?

I really don't like to get mess up with my friends....
but sometimes it seems like i can't control my own thinking...
coz i scared~
now i realize how hurt and scared when someone or your friend slowly taking away the things or friends....which it is apart of your life...haizz~silly right?
haha~kind of weired but isn't it all will be ok.....isn't it...???

maybe is the time to sit and think what I want and I deserve it...
my life is going to ruined if I continue to act like that...
will probably ruined...

thats is the bad news~
now is the GOOD news~
good news is i saw a guy yesterday....
erm~he is a guy that grab my attention away~
he's not so called handsome but 1st time i saw him~
he really a good looking guy and like a nice guy which really attract me..
wow~I mean untill now i still can remember him...
and~my memories seem like have a part of it is for him....
but anyway~I don't know who is he and just can watch him from far away...V_V
and think about him~
but it seem like he is the 1st guy really grab away my almost whole attention~^^

ps:not dare go to know each other>.<
(he is sitting beside me..haha)

~Jelous & Thinking Jenny~

ok~apart of 2009 and the end of 2008~

Ok~
Is that a disaster or just a bad luck for me?
Come on…BBQ cannot smoothly go for it, cut my finger and then my lovely beer breaks it?
Omg~I really want to faint at the countdown day!!
What a wonderful of new coming 2009

I’m kind of afraid people take all of my things away…
Like my life…my friends…my things…
So I’ll kind of hate that people
But how?
Is it that all such things will happen in our life?
Things change and your friend will turn around and get or take away the things that are apart of your life….
Or is that we just don’t care what had happened and just pretend we don’t know what had happened at all?

Now I just only know how tough and how strength we need to become a best friend and care him or her and take a knot on that friendship forever....
Its just seem like a simple to become a friend…
But how to maintain that relationship between is apart of knowledge and heart…A TRUE HEART!
How I maintain it?
I also want to know it…uhmm~maybe I’m kind of pretty? Or just be an actor that acting in apart of my stage? Or I’m just a simple girl and silly?

If I’m an actor that’s mean I’m a lousy actor that cannot hide my felling well and sometimes will cross the line of acting….
In this 2009~this brand new year~
How to maintain my best condition and how to become a best actor…
It seems like a new challenge in my new life

As I said I don’t want any unexpected tragedies happened in my life and I don’t want loose my friends and things in my life…as I so hate it….but it seem like I’m selfish
I try my best to cope with it~
Whatever what happened….I’m still me isn’t it?

~Losing Jenny~